Months before a baby is born, she starts to bond with her parents. Pretty early on she can hear her mother's voice. She lives life to the constant cadence of her mother's heartbeat. The way her mother walks is soothing to her. After a while she can hear her dad's muffled voice, learning its tone as well. After birth, she recognizes those voices. When her mom snuggles with her, she hears that familiar heartbeat. The way her mom walks as she holds her is still familiar and comforting. Newborn vision is pretty poor, but very soon she can see the blurry face of her parents when she is in their arms, and not much else. They look into her eyes and she begins to recognize their faces and bond with them. Every time she cries they pick her up and soothe her. Every time she is uncomfortable because she is hungry or her diaper is dirty, they meet her need. She doesn't even have a concept of why she feels sad when she is cold or hungry before she understands that her mom and dad will take care of her. Hundreds of times a day she has a need, they meet the need. She is hungry, lonely, cold, too hot, sleepy, ready to play. They meet every need, every time. They are literally her entire world. She learns very early on that these are her people.
For a child who has lived in an orphanage her entire life, this is not the case. For reasons we will likely never know, shortly after birth, Ellie was separated from the familiar voice, heartbeat, and movements of her biological mother. She has lived in an orphanage since her very first days. She is at a great facility and appears to be very well taken care of. We are told her nannies adore her, but it's not the same. Even with pretty good ratios of nannies to babies, it's impossible for the same one or two people to meet all of her needs around the clock. She is used to crying and waiting until it's her turn for someone to get to her, or just giving up on it and not crying at all. She is used to someone caring for her for a shift, and then they leave. Yes, they will be the same person to care for her the next day, but she is still cared for in shifts. She is nurtured in shifts. She is loved in shifts. She sleeps in a room with rows and rows of other cribs with other babies who live their lives shift to shift. She is likely used to a pretty regimented schedule because how else could you provide for so many little ones and get their basic physical needs met? I'm sure her nannies love her, they have said they do. I mean, how could you not? She's so cute! As a nurse who cared for babies in shifts, sometimes every shift for more than six months at a time, I know some of what these nannies feel. I'm sure they feel genuine concern of their charge. They know every little thing about them. What they like and don't like. How they look when they are about to fall asleep. The temperature they like their milk. What soothes them best. If they like to be patted or rocked. They do their very best to provide the best to the little ones in their care, but like me, they go home at the end of the day. They live their life and have their own family, stress, joys, and goals. I remember and think about some of the patients I took care of long-term in my first months as a nurse, almost ten years ago. For some, I have kept in touch with their families, some I wonder how they are doing even this many years later, some have passed on. I'm sure the nannies think of the babies they have cared for, as well. For the vast majority of my patients, though, they had parents. These babies don't. I was not there to be their mom and the nannies are not mom to the orphans either.
Right now, Ellie has no concept of "mommy" and "daddy". She has no idea that this is not normal for everyone. At just thirteen months old, this is just what life is like. We are so excited and prepared for the challenge of teaching her everyday what "mommy" and "daddy" are.
A large part of what will affect Ellie's ability to bond to us is her past relationships. We are thankful she is in a "good" orphanage and is well taken care of. This means she is most likely pretty well bonded to her nannies, which will help her understand the concept of "caregiver". That will be the first step. The second step will be teaching her that we aren't shift to shift or going anywhere or just another caregiver. This is where we need help from our friends and family.
The biggest way you can help Ellie attach to us is to not help Ellie.
We have to start over from the beginning for her. It will be very much like having a newborn for a while. For the first few weeks and maybe months, Tom and I will be the only ones who will provide for Ellie's physical and emotional care. We will feed her, change her diapers, bathe her, pick her up when she falls (even if she doesn't cry), give her hugs and kisses, show her affection, and hold her. She will learn that her needs are met by only us and we are her people.
When we first arrive at the airport on our way home, that is the best time to meet Ellie. You won't be able to hold her yet, but after that, we will keep her world small for a while. We will not have visitors in our home for a while. If family comes to visit, they will stay at a nearby hotel and mostly help with the boys. We ask that friends and family not provide for any of her physical or emotional needs. If she seems hungry or wants a snack, let me know so I can give her food. If her diaper needs to be changed we know any of our friends or family would be happy to change it, but please let us. If she falls and cries, let her cry until I get to her. Even the first time we leave her with a caregiver, for example, the church nursery, we will ask that they do not attempt to comfort her if she cries. We would rather her wait a minute (you moms know how unbelievably fast you can get to your baby when they need you) until one of us can get to her and comfort her.
Signs that this is going well are if she seeks us out for needs, if she is comforted by us, if she is apprehensive of others, and if she clings to us, if she looks for us when she is hurt. If she lets just anyone hold her or seems happy with strangers, those aren't good things. If she falls and hurts herself, but doesn't look for us to comfort her, she's not "tough", she just doesn't know that she can cry out for us. If things seem to be going well we may try to expand her world a little. If we see signs that she isn't handling it well, we may pull things back in.
Once we feel like she is attaching well to us and knows "her people", we will broaden her circle a little bit to our immediate families. She needs to learn about what a "mommy" and "daddy" are, but she also needs to learn about a Gigi and a Buddy and a Grandma and a Grandaddy. She will need to learn that these are also her people, but less her people than her parents. We will continue to expand this with other family, friends, and then others, like nursery workers or babysitters. It may not take long or it may take a while. We just don't know and won't know until we see how she does.
We really appreciate your help with not helping Ellie, but if you want to come play with the boys we won't turn you down! We can't wait for everyone to get to hold and love on Ellie, just give her time. Thank you for partnering with us to teach her how wonderful it can be to have a mommy and daddy forever!
http://www.jessicanwood.com/2016/04/04/when-we-come-home-our-adoption-cocooning-and-attachment-plans/?utm_campaign=shareaholic&utm_medium=email_this&utm_source=email
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